Barbecue and Beers [draft]
The Lord said to Moses, ‘I’m getting awfully lonely up here on this mountain all alone. I think it would be nice if you brought some of your friends up to meet me. We can have some barbecue and beers.’
‘They’re not my friends!’ objected Moses. ‘I’m their leader!’
‘Did you guys have a fight?’
‘No, I’m just saying, they’re not my friends!’
‘Okay, okay,’ sighed the Lord. ‘Bring Aaron up, and his sons Nadab and Abihu…’
‘What about Eleazar and Ithamar?’
‘Aaron’s other sons!’ huffed Moses.
2 ‘Aaron only has two sons, you moron!’ argued God. ‘Bring them up, and seventy elders. I want them to worship me from a distance.’
‘That sounds like a fun party, Lord,’ remarked Moses sarcastically.
‘It will be fun!’ chirped God.
So, Moses clambered down the mountain, and he told the Israelites the new laws that God had made up.
3 They all responded with one voice, ‘Everything the Lord says, we will do.’
Moses was perplexed. ‘You guys are like zombies!’ he yelled.
‘Yes,’ replied the Israelites, ‘we are like zombies.’
4 Moses shook his head and went off to write down what he could remember of God’s new laws.
The next morning, he got up early and built an altar at the foot of the mountain, and he erected twelve stones: one for each of the twelve tribes of Israel. Aaron saw what Moses had set up, and he decided to decorate it with a nice white tablecloth and bunting.
5 Meanwhile, Moses had sent off some men to slaughter some calves and collect their blood. 6 He poured half of the blood into bowls and splashed the rest all over the altar.
Seeing this, Aaron squealed, ‘You bastard!’ and stormed off.
7 Then Moses picked up the Book of the Covenant, which he had written the previous night, and he read it to the people. They all obediently replied, ‘Everything the Lord says, we will do.’
8 ‘Seriously,’ snapped Moses, ‘you’re creeping me out with that shit!’ He took some of the blood and threw it over the people.
They responded in unison, ‘We will obey!’
Moses screamed with frustration and left.
9 So, Moses, Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel trudged up the mountain to meet God. 10 Halfway up the mountain, the God of Israel, wearing an apron that said Hallowed be the Chef , was tending a barbecue on a beautiful paved area made of lapis lazuli as blue as the sky.
God turned, smiled and called, ‘What do you think of my new patio?’
‘It’s kind of elaborate…’ replied Moses.
‘Yeah, just something I threw together. Can I get you guys some drinks?’
Moses and Aaron said yes, but Aaron’s sons and the elders of Israel stood in stunned silence.
‘What’s wrong with them?’ asked God.
‘They’ve never seen a deity before,’ replied Moses.
‘What? I’ve been appearing as a pillar of cloud and fire for months now! I’m going to smite them!’
Just then, God’s kitchen timer pinged. ‘Ooh, the unicorn steaks are ready,’ he sang.
11 So, everyone sat, ate and had some beer, and God forgot all about smiting.
12 When they’d finished eating, the Lord said to Moses, ‘Right, I’m getting fed up of being around these people. Come up into the cloud, and I’ll give you the stone tablets of law I’ve written.’
Moses sighed. ‘I spent the whole night chiselling some myself!’ he protested.
‘Just get your arse up here! Joshua can come part way with you.’
‘Joshua is back at the base of the mountain!’ objected Moses.
‘Well, get him up here!’
13 So, Moses sent for Joshua, his assistant, and turned to the elders and said, ‘Wait for us here.’
‘But he keeps drinking from my can when I’m not looking!’ whinged one of the elders.
14 ‘Oh, Jesus Christ!’ huffed Moses. ‘I’m leaving Aaron and Hur here. If anyone misbehaves, tell them. I’m getting fucking sick of this whining!’
15 With that, Moses went up to the top of the mountain, and God covered it with a cloud. 16 The Lord rested his glory, which shone brightly like a consuming fire, right on the peak. 17 Moses, however, ended up fumbling around in the cloud for six whole days. It was only on the seventh day that the Lord guided him to where he’d rested his glory.
18 Moses stayed up that mountain talking to God for forty days and forty nights. After a day or so, the elders of Israel got bored and wandered off back down the mountain. Only little Joshua remained, keeping a constant vigil for his master.