For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Angry Green Mist [draft]

Numbers 16

41 The day after Korah’s rebellion, the Israelites were really on edge, having witnessed people being swallowed up by the earth and others incinerated. So, they started to complain to Moses and Aaron. ‘You killed some of our people, you murdering murderers, you!’

‘Wait a bloody minute!’ retorted Moses. ‘We didn’t kill anyone! God did it! We tried to stop him.’

‘Oh, how convenient!’ spat the people. ‘Blame your invisible friend!’

42 ‘Invisible? He’s hovering in cloud form over the tent of meeting!’ Moses gestured to the angry looking cumulonimbus that floated above the tent.

‘That’s just a cloud!’

The Lord called out from his cloud, ‘Moses, Aaron, come over here for a second.’

43 They approached the tent of meeting nervously.

44 ‘Just a little further…’ coaxed the Lord.

‘Why?’ asked Moses. ‘We can already hear you.’

45 ‘Erm… I want you to look at something over near the tent…’ replied the Lord, his cloud crackling with lightning.

‘Oh! You want us away from them so that you can smite them, don’t you?’

‘No!’ exclaimed the Lord. ‘I’d never dream of such a thing…’

46 Just then, a green mist came drifting from the cloud right towards the Israelites. Seeing this, Moses whispered to Aaron, ‘Quick! Put some sandalwood in your censer and get between God and the people; he can’t stand the smell of sandalwood!’

47 So, Aaron did as he was told and ran between God and the assembly, furiously waving his censer to make a wall of smoke. However, the Lord’s mist had already begun to infect the Israelites. All around Aaron, people were dropping dead the instant they inhaled the toxic fumes.

48 Aaron held his breath and stepped forwards, swinging the censer with all his might. The Lord began to retreat, sneezing as he inhaled the woody odour.

‘It’s working!’ cried Moses.

Aaron continued to push the Lord back until his cloud shrank and rose high into the atmosphere. And he was gone.

49 Moses rushed forwards to inspect the carnage: 14,700 people lay dead.

50 The moral of this story is, if God does something heinous, don’t get upset otherwise he will do something even more heinous. Also, sandalwood saves lives.

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