MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Exodus > The Mountain

Angel Droppings

Exodus 23

20 God told Moses, ‘I’m going to send an angel ahead of you to lead the way to the promised land. However, he will be invisible.’

‘How the hell am I supposed to follow an invisible angel?’ complained Moses.

‘Erm… Be on the lookout for angel droppings.’

‘What do angel droppings look like?’

‘Kind of like human droppings, only they have little wings and halos.’

‘You’re taking the piss!’ spat Moses.

21 ‘I’m getting fed up of your back talk!’ yelled God. ‘I have to warn you, my angel won’t put up with that shit from you! 22 You’ll have to listen to everything he says; he’ll smite you as soon as look at you! After all, my name is in him.’

‘What does that even mean?’

‘Shut up! That’s what it means!’ snapped God. ‘He’ll come and whisper instructions in your ears.’

‘Ergh,’ groaned Moses. ‘That’s kind of creepy…’

22 ‘Look, if you just do as he says, I’ll make enemies of your enemies. 23 The Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Canaanites…’

‘I know, I know,’ interrupted Moses.

24 ‘…The Hivites, and the Jebusites,’ continued God. ‘But whatever you do, don’t worship their gods. Smash their altars to rubble…’

‘Yes, yes… you’ve told me this before! What does this have to do with the angel?’

25 ‘Worship the Lord your God and he will bless your water, and you won’t get diseases!’

‘Bless my water?’ exclaimed Moses. ‘Are you saying I’m going to piss holy water?’

26 ‘And nobody will miscarry, and you’ll live to a ripe old age.’

‘You’re not even listening, are you?’ whined Moses. ‘I bet I can say whatever I want, and you’ll just ignore it! Like that you’re a petty vindictive child with a bad temper and a persecution complex!’

27 ‘I heard that!’ fumed God. ‘That attitude is exactly why I’m going to send Terry ahead of you!’

‘Terry?’

‘My angel!’

Moses sniggered, ‘Your angel is called Terry?’

28 ‘You can laugh, but he’s fucking vicious like a hornet! He’ll throw all of your enemies into confusion and make them run away with their tails between their legs!’

‘Oh, so we won’t even have to fight them?’

29 ‘No, you still have to fight them. 30 They’ll be driven out little by little. As your numbers increase in the land, they’ll be driven further and further out.’

‘Almost like what would happen if the angel wasn’t driving them out at all…’ sighed Moses.

‘He works in mysterious ways.’

Moses burst out laughing.

‘What are you laughing at?’ griped God.

‘Nothing,’ replied Moses.

31 ‘I’m done talking!’ huffed God. ‘My only point is that you’re getting the land from the Red Sea to Philistia, from the desert to the Euphrates.’

‘That’s not what you were talking about at all!’ cried Moses.

32 ‘All I’m saying is not to make a covenant with the people there and not to worship their gods.’

‘Yeah, you’ve made that abundantly clear…’ moaned Moses.

33 As he floated away, the Lord called, ‘They’ll snare you and have you sinning against me, just you watch.’

‘Yup, got it,’ replied Moses.

‘I’m warning you…’

‘Uh huh.’


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