Adam and Eve: or Mr Play-Doh and His Amazing Talking Rib
4 When the Lord God made the Earth and the Heavens, 5 there were no plants, because it hadn’t rained, and the gardener hadn’t shown up. 6 So, the Lord God said, ‘Fuck it,’ and turned on the sprinklers.
7 Then he made a little clay man to work as his own personal gardener. As he breathed life into its nostrils, he sang:
‘Oh, Adam, Adam, Adam,
I made you out of clay.
And when you’re dry and ready,
I’ll teach you how to pray.’
8 Now the Lord God planted a garden in Eden to the east, and he picked up the little man and dropped him into the garden. The man landed on his arse with a thud, causing a big fracture to form down the middle. But the Lord God liked it, so he decided to give all humans butt-cracks.
The man got up, dusted himself off, and walked off mumbling to himself that the Lord God was a pain in the arse.
9 The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground, because, apparently, he didn’t really need a man to work the ground after all. The trees were all exceedingly beautiful and yielded tasty fruit, even the Tree of Life™ and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil™.
10 Now for a quick geography lesson, so that you can find Eden on a map. A river flowed from Eden watering the garden and making the Lord God’s sprinklers redundant. It split into four parts: 11 the Pishon, which winds its way through Nirvana 12 (there’s gold in them there hills); 13 the Gihon, which goes through the land of Kush (where the best cannabis grows); 14 the Hiddekel, which runs along the east side of Assyria where the gangs roam; and the Euphrates, which leads nowhere.
15 The Lord God took the man, who was already in the Garden of Eden, picked him up, and dropped him again, saying, ‘Now get to work!’ 16 And he instructed him, ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the delicious fruit of the completely unnecessary Tree of Knowledge, which I placed right there, even though it will screw up everything, you shall not eat.’
‘Why can’t I eat from the Tree of Knowledge?’ enquired the man.
17 The Lord God panicked and answered ‘Look, even though I’ve told you it’s called the Tree of Knowledge, it actually… erm… kills you! Wooo, scary tree. Don’t touch!’
18 A little time passed, and the Lord God noticed that the man was spending an inordinate amount of time playing with himself. ‘This is no good at all!’ he declared to nobody in particular. ‘I’ll have to make him a fuck buddy.’
19 So the Lord God sculpted some animals and birds out of clay, and he brought them to the man to see what he would name them, and if any of them would take his fancy. 20 Although the man showed some interest in the sheep, the Lord God concluded that it wasn’t a suitable mate, so he said, ‘Fuck it, I’ll just cobble something together from a rib, some melons, and a beaver.’
21 So, he knocked the man unconscious with a swift blow to the head, and while he was sleeping, he stole one of his ribs. 22 After haphazardly sewing the man back up, he fashioned a woman. Then he woke the man and gave him the woman that he had made, saying, ‘Here, a rib for your pleasure.’
23 The man was so overjoyed with his new plaything that he sang:
‘This is the bone I will bone,
And the flesh that’s caressed.
She shall be called “woman”,
For she has those nice breasts.’
24 This is why men leave their parents and go off chasing tail, and also why they’re so fond of ribs.
25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame, for shame hadn’t been invented yet.