Adam and Eve: or Mr Play-Doh and His Amazing Talking Rib
4 When the Lord God made the Earth and the Heavens, 5 there were no plants, because it hadn’t rained and the gardener that the Lord God hired hadn’t shown up. 6 So the Lord God said, ‘fuck it,’ and turned on the sprinklers, and he decided to make a little clay man as his own personal gardener.
7 Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground, and he sang:
‘Oh Adam, Adam, Adam,
I made you out of clay.
And when you’re dry and ready,
I’ll teach you how to pray.’
8 Now the Lord God planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and he picked up the little man he had made and dropped him into the garden. The man landed on his arse causing a big fracture down the middle, but the Lord God liked it, so he decided to give all humans butt-cracks. The man got up, dusted himself off, and walked off mumbling to himself that the Lord God was a pain in the arse.
9 The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground, because, apparently, he didn’t really need a man to work the ground after all. The trees were all really beautiful and yielded tasty fruit, including the completely unnecessary Tree of Life™ and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil™.
10 Now for a quick geography lesson, so that you can find Eden on the map. A river flowed from Eden watering the garden and making the Lord God’s sprinklers redundant. It split into four parts: 11 Piss-on, which winds its way through Nirvana 12 (there’s gold in them there hills); 13 the Go-on, which goes through the land of Kush (where the best cannabis grows); 14 the Hiddle-piggle, which runs along the east side of Assyria where the gangs roam; and the You-hate-me, which leads nowhere.
15 The Lord God took the man, who was already in the Garden of Eden, picked him up, and dropped him again, saying, ‘Now get to work!’
16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the delicious fruit of the completely unnecessary Tree of the Knowledge, which I placed right there, even though it will screw up everything, you shall not eat.’
The man replied, ‘What about the Tree of Life?’
17 The Lord God sighed, ‘Oh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice that…’ then he added, ‘Look, even though I’ve told you it’s called the Tree of Knowledge, it actually… erm… kills you! Wooo, scary tree. Don’t touch!’
18 When the Lord God saw that the man was spending an inordinate amount of time playing with himself, he said, ‘This is no good at all. I’ll make him a fuck buddy.’
19 Now the Lord God formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky, and he brought them to the man to see what he would name them, and if any of them took his fancy. 20 Though he did show some interest in the sheep, the Lord God concluded it wasn’t a suitable mate. So, the Lord God said, ‘Fuck it, I’ll just cobble something together from a rib, some melons and a beaver.’
21 So the Lord God knocked the man unconscious with a swift blow to the head, and while he was sleeping, he stole one of his ribs and haphazardly sewed him back up. 22 Then the Lord God fashioned a woman, and he gave her to the man saying, ‘Here, a rib for your pleasure.’
23 The man said,
‘This is the bone I will bone
And the flesh that’s caressed;
She shall be called “woman”,
For she has those nice breasts.’
24 This is why a man leaves his parents and goes off chasing tail.
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame, for shame hadn’t been invented yet.