MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Abraham

Abraham the Stiff

Genesis 25

Now aged 175, Abraham shacked up with a voluptuous young trollop called Keturah. 2 After a month of frantic lovemaking, Keturah was thoroughly impregnated. 3 Abraham and Keturah’s sons were Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah. 4 All of these people took a slippery ride out of Keturah’s birth canal.

5 Unfortunately, Abraham didn’t get to see any of his newborn sons, because he died a few seconds after he climaxed. 6 His face was so repugnantly contorted that the mortician had to sandpaper it off and draw on a new one with an eyebrow pencil. ☺ 7 He didn’t even have a chance to change the will, so everything was left to his son Isaac.

8 His funeral was a solemn affair where he was gathered into a ball and rolled into the Cave of Machpelah, 9 the same place he’d buried his wife Sarah, 10 because he bought that cave fair and square from the Hittites.

11 After the death of his father, God blessed Isaac with a tasteful gift basket, which was delivered by carrier angel to his house in Beer Lahai Roi.

12 As for Ishmael, Abraham’s other son, he was off making babies of his own. 13 He had twelve sons who each founded their own tribe. 14 They lived between Havilah and Shur, which is east of Egypt, near that tree. 15 You know the one. 16 It’s by that road when you’re travelling towards Egypt. 17 Yeah, that one.

18 Anyway, Ishmael stopped breathing one day, and he died aged 137. Then he, like his father, was gathered into a ball and rolled into a cave.


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