Abraham Haggles with God
Abraham was sitting at the entrance to his tent in Mamre drink water from his skin flask. Just as he was about to take a sip, the Lord jumped out from behind tree. Abraham got such a fright that he crushed the skin flask squirting water into his own face. 2 Then, just as abruptly, the Lord disappeared, and three men were standing in his place.
3 Abraham stood up dripping, and said, ‘How nice of you to pop by.’
4 Then he looked at the puddle on the ground. ‘Well, since you’re here, would you like to wash your feet?’
5 ‘No.’ replied one of the men, who was actually the Lord, ‘But do you have any barbecue?’
6 So Abraham hurried into the tent and said to Sarah, ‘Quick, make some angel cakes!’
7 Then he grabbed a calf and beat it to death with his sandal and got his servant to hack it to bits. 8 While his servant butchered the calf, Abraham milked one of his cows, and brought the milk for the men in a pail.
9 As he stood there panting, the Lord asked him, ‘Where’s your wife?’
He tried to speak, but he couldn’t catch his breath, so he gestured towards the tent.
10 Then the Lord said to him, ‘Oh, by the way. You know how Sarah is barren? Yeah, well, she’s going to have a baby.’
11 Now Sarah was just about to leave the tent with a tray of angel cakes when she overheard what the Lord had said. 12 She laughed and said, ‘Me, have a child at this age?’
13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh?’
14 Sarah could tell by the Lord’s tone that he wasn’t impressed, so she quickly said, ‘I didn’t laugh!’
‘Yes, you fucking did!’ spat the Lord.
‘Did not.’ she protested.
Abraham interrupted, ‘Look, she laughed, because she found it funny.’
15 The Lord replied, ‘What is this human emotion you call “funny”?’
A tumbleweed rolled past.
16 The Lord and the men, who were actually angels, got up to leave and Abraham walked with them to see them off. As they looked towards Sodom, 17 the Lord said, ‘Do you think I should tell Abraham what I’m planning to do? 18 We’ve built up quite a rapport, 19 and he’s been pretty obedient.’
The angels replied, ‘Maybe. I mean, he looks trustworthy.’
20 So the Lord said, ‘The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is great. 21 Every time I send angels there to investigate, they end up being raped.’
‘That bunch of angel buggering bastards!’ exclaimed Abraham.
‘I know, right?’
22 The angels continued towards Sodom, but Abraham and the Lord stopped to talk. 23 Abraham leaned in to the Lord and said, ‘But, surely, you’re not going to kill the righteous along with the wicked?’
‘Who told you the plan?’ exclaimed the Lord.
Abraham replied, ‘Come on, I know what you’re like, Lord. You’ve always had a bit of a temper.’
The Lord sighed, ‘Yeah, I suppose.’
24 ‘So what if the angels find 50 righteous people in the city? Are you really going to punish them for what the wicked people have done?’
‘Yes,’ snapped the Lord, ‘that’s what I do!’
25 ‘Lord…’ rebuked Abraham.
26 ‘Fine,’ said the Lord, grudgingly. ‘If they find 50 righteous people in the city, I won’t destroy it.’
27 Abraham spoke up again: ‘Not to push my luck or anything, 28 but what if there were only 45 righteous people?’
‘Aww, come now!’
‘Fine. If they find 45, I won’t destroy the city.’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’
‘Okay. If they find 40, I won’t destroy the city.’
30 Abraham spoke again, ‘Now don’t get angry… What if there are only 30 righteous people?’
‘Jesus Christ! We’re not haggling!’
‘Don’t bloody “Lord” me! I am a god, you know.’
31 ‘Could I get you to go as low as five?’
‘Five!’ the Lord’s anger was stoked. When he had calmed down, he replied, ‘I’ll go as low as 20.’
32 ‘10,’ replied Abraham.
The Lord’s nostrils flared, producing little puffs of smoke. Abraham put his head on the side and batted his eyes.
‘Fine!’ spat the Lord.
‘Now,’ began Abraham. ‘How about if there’s a blind homeless orphan?’
33 ‘Oh, fuck off!’