Aaron's Bountiful Rod [draft]
The Lord said to Moses, ‘I want you to get the leaders of the twelve tribes together. I’m going to perform an experiment.’
‘This is hardly the best time!’ retorted Moses. ‘They’re still all pissed off about the whole Korah thing…’
The Lord breathed a big sigh and said, ‘This experiment will show who’s my favourite, and it will stop the people from bitching about me!’
‘And you don’t think that killing your detractors sent enough of a message?’
2 The Lord ignored him and continued, ‘Write the name of each man on his staff, 3 and then place them in the tent of meeting in front of the ark of the covenant. 4 Aaron will represent the tribe of Levi. 5 The staff belonging to the man I choose will sprout a foreskin.’
‘What?’ exclaimed Moses. ‘This is all very convoluted. Can’t you just tell me?’
‘No!’ boomed the Lord. ‘This way, there will be a sign for all to see!’
‘Wait… You want the men to show everyone their junk? I don’t think they’ll go for it.’
‘What the fuck are you talking about, you bloody pervert? I said staves not schlongs!’
‘Oh…’ replied Moses. ‘I thought it was a euphemism…’
6 So, Moses gathered the leaders of the tribes together, and he got out his sharpie and wrote their names on each of their staves. 7 He took them all into the tent of meeting in front of the ark of the covenant and left them over night.
8 The next morning, the Israelites assembled to watch as Moses went into the tent to check on the staves. 9 When he stepped through the door, he saw that Aaron’s staff had not only grown a foreskin, but it was filled with assorted nuts and berries! ‘Holy shit!’ he cried, and he ran outside to tell the others.
Moses cleared his throat and announced, ‘Th… th… the st…’
Aaron approached him and said, ‘What are you trying to say, Mo? Spit it out.’
Moses ran into the tent and brought out Aaron’s staff and held it up for all to see.
Everybody gasped. Mothers covered their children’s eyes, and one woman shouted, ‘That’s disgusting!’
10 Just then, the Lord called down from Heaven, ‘Put the staff back into the tent. I want it to be kept there permanently so that when I come to visit, we’ll always have tasty snacks.’
‘I’m not eating out of that thing!’ spat Moses, cringing.
The Lord continued, ‘Finally, this will put an end to the people’s grumbling!’
‘For an all-powerful creator of the universe, you really don’t understand people much, do you?’
The clouds crackled with lightning.
11 Moses sighed and said, ‘I know, I know. “Just do it!”’ and he placed Aaron’s staff back into the tent.
Meanwhile, the Israelites were growing distraught.
12 ‘We’re all going to die!’ screamed one man.
‘There’s no hope!’ wailed another.
13 ‘We can’t risk going near the tent,’ whinged one woman. ‘If I see that thing again, I’ll die!’
And the moral of this story? Fuck knows!