MisreadBible

High Inspectations

My landlord sent me notice that an inspection was due. I went into panic mode: I’m not the tidiest guy in the world. I buzzed around the house like a neurotic bluebottle, picking up clutter and fumigating my house with air freshener. By the end, the fog was so thick, I kept bumping into furniture. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night asking myself questions like, ‘Will they expect me to polish light switches?’ ‘Do I have to dust the underside of the bed?’ and, ‘Do I need to alphabetise my fridge magnets?’ Today was the day of the inspection. They told me they’d be there between 9am and 1pm. I wanted to give myself plenty of time to shower and get dressed, so I was up at 5am, injected myself with coffee, and since it takes me less than half an hour to get ready, I sat in the living room catatonic and staring at the TV for three and a half hours. It took me an hour or so to realise it wasn’t switched on. The inspector knocked on the door at around 10.30. I answered and she asked, ‘House inspection?’ I thought it was an odd question. Surely, she knew what job she’d been sent to do. I looked her up and down. She did give off house inspector vibes, so I told her she probably was the house inspector. She followed me into the house and asked, ‘Where’s your smoke alarm?’ I climbed two stairs, pointed to the alarm, and asked, ‘Do you want me to press the button?’ She replied, ‘If you want to.’ I wanted to. I pressed it and was quickly reminded how loud and shrill it was. I wished I hadn’t. Regardless, she raised the tablet she was holding, and I realised she was taking a photo, so I ducked out of the way like I was avoiding sniper fire. When I looked up, she’d disappeared. She’d moved into the living room and was snapping photos. I walked in behind her, and she spun around to face me with the tablet still raised, so I sprinted out the way to the kitchen door. She promptly followed, so I ran around her and back into the living room. I’m just the slightest bit camera shy. She called, ‘Carbon monoxide detector?’ I just popped my head in the room, and she said, ‘Found it,’ and then turned back towards me to take another photo. I panicked and hid behind the door. She marched to the back door, called, ‘I’m just looking outside,’ snapped a photo, and came marching back towards me. I dodged out of the way, and she rushed upstairs. After photographing my bathroom, she went into my bedroom. I still had the curtains shut. I heard her clicking the light switch off, then on, then off, and she yelled, ‘Is your light broken?’ I ran up the stairs and flicked the switch, the light came on. I panted, ‘It’s remote controlled. The switch stays on. But if you turn it off, wait a second, and turn it on, the light comes on.’ She said nothing and resumed taking photos. I started back down the stairs, my heart racing. I was halfway down when she said, ‘I need to do the stairs.’ I hurried down the remaining stairs and hurled myself into the living room. Before I knew it, I heard her thundering down the stairs and opening the front door. She called out, ‘Thanks,’ and then closed the door behind her. She didn’t even say goodbye!